A Blog within a Blog: Dialogue with an addict

Quitting cigarettes: I went for a physical and mammogram and had blood sugar and cholesterol blood work done. I am in great shape for a tough ol' broad (not quite the way the doctor phrased it, but close) so I ask for a prescription of Chantix, the new miracle pill that will block my nictotine receptors from enjoying the nictotine. In addition to the phsyiological addiction, I will have to change all my long engrained habits -- throw out all my routines and start over. I can smoke for 7 days and must quit on the 8th. Some folks have reported quitting before the 8th day. I have set my schedule so that the 8th day is Linda's birthday. I thought a day of signifance might be helpful.

Friday, Day 1: took one little pill. Directions say to take with a full glass of water. As I am not much into water, I use about 4 oz. A little later, I have a small burning in my belly. Maybe a full glass of water is 8 oz? or maybe the burning is just my imagination.

Day 2: took another little pill, along with the five vitamins I take but used a bigger glass of water. I think maybe I should eat before I take the little pill. I'll try that tomorrow. Meanwhile, I am trying to wait longer between cigarettes. I am trying to THINK about them and not just grab one up and smoke it. I am thinking about the habits I will need to change.

Day 3: still just taking one little pill but tomorrow, I work up to two, morning and evening. I think today that maybe the cigarettes aren't giving me such a "hit". A time or two I think I am just going through the motions of smoking -- or it is like smoking a really "ultralight" cigarette when you have to really inhale to get a good hit. I am making myself wait longer and I have made one new rule. I will not smoke at this computer anymore. I will have to get up and go to another room. Already, I have waited 30 minutes longer because I am at the computer and I am waiting to finish before I go have another cigarette.

Worries of a middle-aged, 40 year veteran who is going to give up cigarettes: 1) what will I do when I am worried, scared, sad. This old cigarette has always been there for me, like a good friend. 2) What if I put on weight? I am slender and healthy, my cholesterol is very good as well as my blood sugar. If I put on 10 or 20 pounds, will I be less healthy? I want to avoid diabetes . . . and I don't want to have to buy new clothes! 3) Now don't laugh -- but when will I rest? Somedays I go "at it" like a mad woman and have to make myself go sit down, take a break and smoke a cigarette (usually while at III in the midst of some project and sometimes while cleaning house). During the work week, the breaks are built in and automatic but without the call of the cigarette, will I work on through my break? Perhaps I'll have to turn to meditation or relaxation techniques. These worries seem rather silly but I want to try to think about every emotion and situation before I come face to face with it.

Monday, Day 4: today is the first day I take two of the little pills. Will take two, here on out for the rest of the 12 weeks, if I need them. I have found that if I take them directly after eating, with a nice glass of water, they don't bother me at all.

I did well, all day. From 6 a.m. until 6 p.m. I had just six cigarettes. I have had just two since, but it has been more of a struggle this evening. I make myself wait. I "do" just one more thing. Tomorrow, I think I may smoke the same number, but just smoke half of the cigarette. Then on Wednesday or Thursday, reduce the number of cigarettes again, by half.

Well, they didn't promise me it would be a piece of cake! And even tho my brain receptors are being blocked, I reckon I am still going to be withdrawing from nicotine so I might be in for some very creative dreams! And may I find the stamina and grit, to get this done.

Tuesday, Day 5: 2 pills, one morning and one evening. My day goes very well but I am all ready disciplined at work, one break every two hours. Now last evening, that was another matter. I struggled. And this evening, I am feeling the nicotine withdrawal. I feel mean. I told the better half, as he tried to help me with something, that he might just want to leave it to me. He understood -- and did.

I am finding that my deep breathing, relaxation techniques helps some and also, just get busy. (This morning, supposedly getting ready for work, I am cleaning out the drawers in the bathroom vanity!) Do one more thing before having that cigarette! And now I am not smoking the whole cigarette -- trying anyway, just to smoke half. This evening I took a giant step when I drove to Afton and didn't take the cigarettes along. A major breakthrough! Tomorrow I am going to have to make another and skip one of my breaks at work or give up the one before work. I have got to do it and it may as well be tomorrow as Friday. "Bear down, Nancy", as my highschool coach used to say!

Wednesday, Day 6: Two more pills and one day left to smoke. At 7:45 p.m., I have had only 4 cigarettes. The big step today was giving up the noon smoke. And I did it without too much ado. In its place (actually, I used to have a cigarette on the way to lunch and another one after lunch and often times half of another on my way back to work. (I call these cigarettes "maintenance" -- to stock up on the nicotine until break time). So, to have ZERO at lunch was really a big step. To do something positive in place of the negative, I will eat a banana on the way back to work. I have been having leg or foot cramps every night and I need the potassium but have not been good at eating the bananas.

Tomorrow tho, will be the telltale day. I think I am going to give up the FIRST cigarette of the day. I will not get one until the 10:00 AM break. Perhaps I should remind myself that my body can go all night with nicotine (I do not get up in the night to smoke) so it can all day without.

Tomorrow, I should be down to three, at the most -- because Friday, I won't have any. I am going to make those Grandbabes happy!

Thursday, Day 7: my guardian angel stepped in today to help me over a hurdle, I guess. All day, I had just had about a half of cigarette. I had a few puffs before work then 3 or 4 puffs at 10:30 break. At noon I didn't light up, just had my half banana on the way back to work. Back at work, I looked forward to 2:30 or 3:00 pm so I could take a break and go enjoy 3 or 4 more puffs on that short, untidy, little bit of a cigarette that I had saved in the car. But when I went out, it wasn't there! Looked everywhere -- all the time knowing I wouldn't find it. But looking got the floors cleaned up a bit, under my car seats, so I did accomplish something positive in place of those negative puffs I would have had. And sure enough, after a frantic few minutes and some deep, relaxation breaths, I was able to go back to work and finish out the day without a cigarette. Thanks, G.F!

Food is tasting really, really good in some cases and I reacted to the "stench" in my car when I got in it this afternoon. Of course, the windows had been rolled up and it was 90 degrees outside and humid, but I do think I am beginning to smell again.

I have made some plans for tomorrow, "D-Day". I'll go to work early, if I have to. I'll walk around the block at morning and afternoon break, opposite the direction I usually walk to my car. I will have my banana after lunch, on the way back to work. I need some plans for tomorrow evening, as the evenings are the hardest. I wonder if I should take the second pill a little earlier, so it kicks in quicker. Then I can always go to bed early, if it wears off! Oh, the trials and tribulations of a smoker!

After I quit smoking, will I still be a smoker -- just as a recovered alcoholic is always an alcoholic -- just not drinking?

With Himself encouraging (and staying out of my way when I'm feeling mean), my guardian angel on duty and my children and grandchildren all pulling for me, I am going to do this. I am going to quit and stay quit -- at least until I'm 80. I have promised myself that I can have a cigarette on my 80th birthday . . . oh, we smokers are a sorry lot . . .
Friday, Day 8. D Day. Quit Day. As of 10:00 p.m. last night and it now being 8:45 PM Friday, I have almost made it 24 hours without a cigarette. This has has not happened since about 7 or 8 years ago when I quit for 2 or 3 months after being hypnotised.
It would have been easy to sit down and smoke a cigarette at certain points in the day but I have to say that for most of the entire working day, it wasn't too hard. I walked at morning break. At lunch I don't have any trouble and at second break I ran to the Post Office to mail a package so that distracted me.
The first thought, of course, at 4:30 as I leave work, is of a cigarette but I get home and get busy helping with supper or as this evening, lay down and have a nap waiting for chicken to be delivered for supper, and I don't have much trouble. But from 6:30 until 9:30 or 10:00. That is trouble. Himself came up a little while ago and wanted to sympathize with me but I was not having it! Didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want touched! Didn't want looked at. Period.
I went outside, pulled weeds, chewed gum and came back in feeling a little better. If last evening and the evening before are indicators, I'll have another spell before my meds kick in or I somehow pass through the worst of the craving.
But as I told Lanny, I want to get through this day without even a puff as I DO NOT want to have to start over counting the hours I have been smokeless. I do not, will not, start over. I'm toughing it out.
Himself and my on-line "Get Quit" support plan both assure me it will get easier; each day will be easier. Okay. I hope they are telling me the truth.
Miss Morghan and Jack are going to be so proud of their Nana! (And Madeline, Gabrielle and Joey too, if they were a just a bit older.)
Saturday, Day 9. In a few minutes, I will not have had a cigarette for 48 hours. I had worried about today, the weekend. I am disciplined at work so to be home with no pressing case files to demand my attention nor need to give a full day's work for a day's pay, I had feared I might struggle more than on a week day. But I did okay. There were a few times I chewed a toothpick to smithereens but on the whole, it has been a good day. I met a friend at Afton for breakfast (a Smoker friend) then checked on Granny. I came back home and worked out in the cottage garden, redoing the whole thing and getting ready to lay pavers.
I went back to Afton after supper and took Granny out for a ride. We ended up in Greenfield. I'm not sure how that happened but we got ice cream at the Tiger Drive-in and then headed back home. When I got Granny back to the nursing home, she climbed out of the Jeep, took her sweater and thought she had put something under the front seat. I knew she didn't, but playing along, I checked and found a lone cigarette. I threw it in the cupholder and went on. On the way home, that cigarette made me a little nervous but I took a few deep breaths and knew that I wouldn't mess up my two-day nonsmoking record. It is still there but I will throw it away tomorrow. It doesn't really matter tho if I throw it away or not as there is almost a full pack of cigarettes on my china cabinet. And I want them there. It is like a challenge to me. Geez, I can't find the words to describe why I want them except to say that I am a very competitive person. It is like a contest now between me and them.
I have talked to Erica this evening, reinforcing my desire to hit 10 p.m. and be two days clean and if I keep babbling on, it will be 10 p.m. before I finish this. Anyway, I am very optimistic. Now that I have two days behind me, I am looking ahead to three days. For some reason, 3 seems to be a magic number to me. Will it be easier after Day 3? Have I read that somewhere? My computer says 10:01!!
Sunday, Day 10: In 10 minutes, it will have been three days since I quit smoking. I am crusing right along, usually, with not much difficulty. I have been chewing a toothpick a lot this weekend but I think it is because I anticipate a craving (after a meal, especially). Tomorrow, I will be back to work and no toothpick so I will test my theory.
Here is a weird thing. As I was working outside today, chewing a toothpick, I accidently touched my arm with the toothpick and I jumped! I jumped as tho it was a cigarette and it would burn. I did that more than once. So, the medicine is working to block the nicotine but the brain still remembers old habits. Geesh, that is so interesting to me! My brain remembers the pain of a cigarette burn . . . well, that is really more sad than interesting, isn't it?
I have been having very long (seemingly) convoluted dreams but I have not dreamed the old standard "quitting smoking" dream of smoking a cigarette. In the past, quitting, I would often wake myself up because I thought I was a lighting a cigarette in bed! Perhaps I am not having that dream because the medicine is blocking my brain.
So, not much change, nothing new; just continue to get through one day at a time. And may my brain soon forgot ALL the old smoking habits.
Monday, Day 11. I am going to move to a new entry. This one is too long and I think I want to count down from the Quit Day and not the start the medicine day. So, see you soon!